Shoulda,Woulda, Coulda….

The day I had to run with my life I did not know how to run and in which direction to run in. To be fair I had never had to do this before and as such had no experience to bring to the table. Guaranteed, I had read all the self-help books on how to react in situations like these and given the opportunity I could tell it to anyone in my sleep yet at this particular moment all those “how-to rules” I had embedded in my mind had been shredded into a million little pieces and all seemed to be falderal now that I actually needed to use them. 

 Don’t get me wrong, under normal conditions I am as agile as a monkey and often times I had seen people in the same situation I was in and wondered how dumb they must have been to not flee with their lives. The worst part is i did not know that running was in fact the only choice I had to deal with or I would forever regret standing there in my numbness. That said, I did what any normal human being in my shoes would not have done, I stood on the spot, frozen, unmoving as though I had roots going deep down into the ground. No doubt, my brain did its part and sent all the necessary messages, flashlights, siren even and the constant prompt to run as fast as I could, yet my body failed me and I stood there like a house by the side of the road. I kept telling myself no, I did not have to run. To run would be drastic surely? Perhaps I can slowly retreat and maintain my dignity in the process but who would actually care if I ran like a person set alight considering everyone else was busy with their lives? Hang on! Whose dignity and who actually defined it?  I tried to comfort myself and kept telling myself my situation would probably change itself without me doing a single thing. I have heard of scenarios of people being saved by a bolt of lightning (never mind that it wasn’t raining) or a guardian angel.  I blinked sweat in my eyes like a person who had just completed a marathon race. As the torture of my indecision and fear threatened to crush me, I had no idea that the cost of standing there as I did would be paid for many years to come at an unjustifiable exorbitant cost.

Looking back, I guess it was fear of the unknown, if I ran away then what? What awaited me out there? Wouldn’t I end up worse than I already was? After all, it wasn’t as bad as everyone said it was? Surely there was another way? Yet I look back now and realise no! The truth of the matter is no! There really wasn’t any other way. For how would I ever discover the joy and freedom that awaited me?

Choices

I am one of the most indecisive people I know, in fact, it’s so bad that the only thing I am decided about is being undecided. I have however learnt through the years that not making a choice when you need to is also a choice, for it could mean seizing an opportunity there and then or missing it, determining life and death for someone else or even yourself, walking away from a bad relationship or staying in a good one. Not only is it important to make the right decisions but depending on the nature of the decision more often than not your timing for that decision has to be right, that or life will decide for you. How you will decide to deal with the consequences is also another issue. This is the reason why the exact thing can happen to two different people but can mold one and destroy the other.

My hope is that you make the right choices in life, whether it be to change a job, exercise, study, eat healthy or people that influence your life somehow but if not I hope you will have the grace to deal with the consequences and to choose to have a good attitude dealing with whatever life throws at you for sometimes the wrong choices bring us to the right places. If you wish for something to change make a different choice.

Of sharks, pretenders, disguised angels and sorts.

I am not sure if I concur with the notion that first impressions last the longest. I say so because in my life this has not always been the case. There are people i have known for a long time that i NEVER thought i would ever have anything to do with in my entire life but in time, these have turned out to be some of my closest friends. So yes, we have our differences but this just makes for some of the most interesting conversations and more often than not gives me a fresh perspective on things, a much needed one if you ask me. What I mean is when I met these people I literally said to myself “ ummm, I hope this is the last time I’m seeing you” yet encounters with that person turned out to be two, five, ten until you are at that “I can’t keep track of the count” number and guess what? Much to my surprise I enjoyed their company as much as they did mine. Yes, these were disguised angels in a way and if it were my choice to make I would have never known but time has taught me that yes, God knows exactly what we need. All the things he has chosen for me are perfect for me and if I could choose for myself without knowing what he had in store for me I might have settled for much less.

On the other hand, there are people I thought would stay a lifetime but were in my life briefly or for a season as they say, it might have been my fault or theirs, or no one’s really but at some point it was very clear that the relationship or friendship had run its course no matter how hard you tried to salvage it. Some were simply pretenders or good actors as it were, for their first impressions could have won an Oscar only to realize much later they are nothing close to the person they portrayed. Some, conniving as they are, were probably after something you had or could do for them. Sharks I call them. That said, I believe in second chances, even third, fourth, fifth chances because sometimes first impressions are not all you need to know and conclude on a person and no, they don’t need to last unless you want them to. After all, things are not always what they seem, the people you would be willing to take a bullet for are usually the ones behind the gun.